Religion is irrational

This week I went to a debate by York Union debate called "Religion is irrational and today's society would be better off without it." Whilst I am, without a doubt, against this notion, I also feel torn by the argument, because for me, my Christian faith is a bit irrational.

When I say I believe in God, I know I can never design an experiment to prove it (although, I cannot design one to disprove God’s existence), I know that my ‘reasoning’ behind my belief will be perceived as irrational, and that is the beauty of it. I have a faith, I believe in what I cannot prove through science, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Augustine said (according to the internet)

“Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.”

At the end of the day, regardless of whether I can prove to someone that God is real, I know in my heart that it’s true. And it’s the truth, which for me is the most irrational part of all.

God, created this world to have a relationship with us. And yet, we rebelled. We turned away, decided we could live without him, but despite the fact, God never gave up. He sent prophet after prophet, and finally his son, to die, for me and for you, to save us.

For me, that is what is irrational. God, creator of the Universe was willing to die, for you and for me, because he loves us, despite everything we have done, and will do. God loves you and God loves me. And how can we ever deserve that? God’s love for us is completely and utterly irrational. He does not need us, and yet he calls out to us in love and welcomes us into his family.

(This blog was originally posted on www.belfreystudents.org/blog)

Final Year Fears

It's coming to the end of my final 'student' summer. Next summer I should be starting (or at least looking) for a job. Gone will by the days of reading papers, and jumping through academic hoops. By this time next year, I'll have graduate, and I'm terrified.

In less than 12 months I'll have ended my journey on the road of education. I've learnt to read and count, I've learnt facts and figures, I've learnt how to revise and pass exams, I've learnt social skills (well....I've tried to!) I've learnt about who I am as a person and what I enjoy to do, I've developed skills and discovered my strengths and weaknesses. But despite all this, I have no idea WHAT I'm going to do next.

So here I am, I've managed to delay the decision making year till now, I've seen my friends decided what they are going to do next, whether they've got jobs or continued in education. And I'm none the wiser.

But despite being terrified, I know God's in control. I know he's got a plan for my life, a plan that is perfect. Because God knows what makes me tick, he knows me better than I even know myself. I know that he will reveal his plan for me, he'll make a path for me to walk along, and while it may not be an easy path, I know it'll be the best one for me. I just need to listen to him and work it out.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding:

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

It's Upgrade time | Or is it?

The other day I received an email from O2 entitled: It's Upgrade time, Jessica. Which then proceeded to tell me about O2 refresh: 

'A new phone now.

A new phone whenever you want.'

Don't get me wrong, it's a great idea, no longer will people have to be locked into a contract with a phone they no longer like because it's no longer the latest model. But, what is wrong, is our attitude. Why should a perfectly good phone be deemed 'useless' just because it can't use 4G (or whatever the latest techy thing is) or because it's 6 months old so it now deemed 'old.' 

I don't understand this waste culture. My phone works fine, and want to know the reason I bought it in the first place, my old one (bought of a friend several years ago) had stopped working. I didn't ask for the latest model, as I didn't really care, but I did have one requirement: that my new phone stored the texts as a conversation, rather than individual messages.  

But now my two year contract has run out and society says I have two options. Get a new phone (and contract) or buy into this idea of O2 refresh, and get a new phone whenever I want. But the thing is my old phone works fine, it's a bit scratched and damaged, but it works. So what happens to it now. Does it just sit in my draw, a waste of some of the world's resources. Because while my one old phone in a draw doesn't make much differences, if everyone does it, well that's a lot of old phones sitting around all of which contain metals of some desciption. And why should we be wasting the world's limited resources like this?

So instead of following the crowd and going for an upgrade, I'm opting to stay with my phone, and just get a sim only contract. Because at the end of the day, I don't care. I don't own a phone to surf the net, check facebook and tweet, but to text and ring people. Radical I know. But I don't need an upgrade to do that. And if people care more about the model of my phone then me, I really don't see the point in texting them. Because my phone doesn't define me, it's just useful. So come a few weeks time, I'm going onto a Sim Only contract so I can do by bit to save the world's resources (and as an added bonus, save myself some pennies.) 

Faith, Depression and Lessons learnt.

It's a while since I last blogged, but in my previous blog, Living with Mental health | Depression and Faith, I said that I had learnt a lot of lessons about God through my depression, since then I've had my finals to revise for, then socialising to catch up on and then it ended up being now, and I realised that I had missed blogging, and that I had a promise to upkeep. So, here are some of the lessons I have learnt about the God that I follow, through my period of depression.

• God is a God of love. 

Sounds crazy? My depression was a period of my life where I struggled a lot with my identity, I felt unworthy of anyone's love, let alone a God's love. I was imperfect, struggling to do the simplest of tasks, so how could a God who created the Universe want to love me. And yet, I continued to believe that it was true, admittedly there were periods when I doubted but, in so many places the Bible is clear. God is a God of love. He loves me, he loves you, he loves the world.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believed in him shall not die but have eternal life."

John 3:16 

Verse like that kept me going in the dark times, but also this experience. One evening I was sat in church crying, praying out to God and I felt someone my place their hand on upper arm, I felt the reassuring pressure of their fingers. And yet there was no one there. It felt as thought they had their arm around me, holding me tight, making me feel loved and cared for. But, it wasn't the person next to me as they were using both their hands to hold mine. I believe that presence was God. 

• God keeps his promises

A few weeks after I had been diagnosed with depression, I had a strong conviction, that one day God would  heal me. And whilst I'm not quite there yet, I know my depression no longer affects my daily life, I can live the life I want to live with no fear of a lapse. Why? Because I know my God is with me where ever I go.

"When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rives,

they will not sweep you away.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burnt;

the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2 

• God is a provider

I can safely say that I would not be where I am today it wasn't for God's provision. God provided me with an amazing, loving group of friends, my housemates, my course mates and my friends at church. All of these people have helped me stand on my own two feet. They have helped me stay on track, to pass each year, and to continue with my studying. 

• God is a God of hope

Sometimes, when I woke up I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to face the day. I didn't want to face the pain and the hardship, I just want to stay cocoon in bed away from it all.  But sometimes, it got a lot worse than that, I didn't want to face my future. When I was really ill, the future resembled a long dark tunnel, and I couldn't face walking along it because it didn't look any better. But I knew that God would bring light into my situation and with the light he brought me hope. I know that whatever happens in my life, God will bring good out of it, and that gives me a hope to keep on going. 

Whilst you might think I'm mad, for believing in a God who has watched me suffer, I believe that he has suffered with me, and he has suffered more. Because he died for me upon a cross. And he was watched me cry every tear, felt with me the weight of my pain, and has kept loving me. Through my experience I have learnt many things, I have learnt things about myself, about the world and I have learnt about my faith. Whilst I would never wish to go through this again, I am glad that God has used this time of pain to bring goodness into my life.

Living with Mental Health | Depression and Faith

When I first got diagnosed with depression, I was incredibly angry at God. I felt that he should have prevented the situation which was one of the main causes of it. I couldn't understand how a God of love, could allow the suffering I went through. Now I'm out through the other side  I still don't understand but I know God has taught me lessons that I couldn't have learnt any other way, and I will talk about those lessons in another blog. Because what I want to talk about now is how my faith got me through.

Like I said, when I used to be very angry at God, but now I'm not. Even in the darkest of times, I kept going to Church. In fact, at my lowest points, I used to scream out to God blaming him for everything I was going through. Because, in my eyes, he was to blame. I started to read the Psalms (for those of you who don't know what they are, they are songs mainly written by David (the David who defeated Goliath). They are songs of pain and suffering, but also songs of conviction and statements of truth about God. At they helped me to feel justified about my anger and pain. I felt as a Christian I couldn't have pain and anger at God, at yet these songs that were included in the Bible had them. And my favourite thing about them was that they would often start in anger, but come round to the truths that, I as a Christian, believe about God.

I also found my faith to be strongest in the darkest times, I couldn't depend on myself and it was only through reaching out to God each day for help, even just to get out of bed, I managed to keep going. God also provided me with the most important things I needed to keep going. He provided me with amazing housemates that didn't bring up my depression, and yet were also there whenever I needed them. He provided me with friends on my course, that helped me hand in my work on time and made me laugh and keep enjoying Chemistry. But most importantly, God provided me with loads of different people in Church that kept me going, supporting me with all my problems an doubts, and loving me even when I ended each service in floods of tears.

I've found these past 18 months tough, but I know that I could have not managed to get through without my faith. It has been the rock that I have been able to cling to when everything else has seemed to be sinking sand. I'm not saying that I've not had doubts, because I have, I have doubted God's existence and his love for me, but at the end of the day, it's been what I'm holding onto.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire,

he set my feet upon a rock,

and gave me a firm place to stand."

Psalm 40:2

Living with Mental Health | Depression and Friendship

I was diagnosed with depression in October of last year. In reality, it had most likely been going on for most of my teenage years but the summer after my first year of university was where things got bad enough that I couldn’t cope. My friends quite literally ordered me to go to the doctors – with one memorable threat that I’d be picked up and dragged there if I kept putting it off – as the changes in me managed to destroy my relationship with my then-boyfriend and were clearly visible to the people around me. In fact, that’s what this testimonial is about, really: my friends. Yes, anti-depressants and visits to the Open Door team helped me, but my friends have been the driving force behind my recovery so far.    There was one piece of advice I received shortly after diagnosis that has helped me more than anything: don’t let it be a secret. So many people see mental health issues as taboo, and keep them quiet, but if the people closest to don’t know what you’re dealing with, they can’t help you when you need them or cut you some slack when you’re at your worst.

Last year I was, to be perfectly blunt, a fairly rubbish friend. I missed birthdays and skipped meet-ups, and when I did show up, I spent most of the time sat in a corner feeling awful or trying to pretend everything was ok when I wanted to be back in bed ignoring the world. I was much the same with lectures – attending a 9.15 was a rarity, and workshops and tutorials pretty much ceased to even exist to me. But despite all this, my friends never once refused me notes to copy up or help with work and the invites to events kept coming. I honestly expected them to turn their backs on me, not through malice but just because being friends with me must have been akin to being friends with a brick wall or a goldfish.

I will forever be indebted to my best friend and housemate, who managed to curb the worst of my thoroughly self-destructive habits. I never self-harmed, but my sleep and eating habits became more messed up than I thought possible: some days I ate near-constantly, as if I was hoping to counter the deep, gnawing pain I felt with copious amounts of food. Other days, I would look at the clock and realize it was nine or ten o’clock at night, I hadn’t eaten a thing all day and I wasn’t hungry in the slightest. She kept me from eating only chocolate, reminded me – and occasionally outright ordered me – to eat something, and is probably the main reason I didn’t end up with severe nutritional issues, as I sometimes went days without wanting to eat. She also offered an ear, a shoulder and a hug whenever I needed it, and let me ramble on about what was going on inside my messed up little head without judging.

There are a few more people (who will probably know exactly who they are, if they happen to read this) who I will probably never be able to repay for their friendship. I have one friend who was pretty much the only person to get real smile out of me. Another who must have given me a few hundred hugs in the past two years. Yet another who would tell me outright if I wasn’t telling them the things they could actually help with and then give me solutions to the problems he could. These and others are the people who have kept me going, and the people that I could not have gotten through the last two years without.

To anyone reading this who is suffering: tell your friends. Don’t beat around the bush and hope they guess. Sit them down, and tell them you’ve been diagnosed with depression and exactly what that means. Let them know that if you don’t see them as much it’s not because you don’t want to, it’s because you can’t face the world today.

To my friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m getting better now, but even if and when I’m fully recovered, I will NEVER stop owing you.

Anonymous

Living with Mental Health | Family, Friends and Depression

I think my experience of the way illness can affect your life started when I was thirteen. My mum got physically ill, and I started to feel increasingly alienated from her. I often felt that I was at fault in situations that, in reality, were outside of my control. Looking back, I understand that she was frightened and having to deal with a lot herself, but at the time it was very difficult to see that. Nevertheless, my relationship with my Dad was strong and, apart from the usual day to day stresses of being a teenager, things were generally fine.

But aged about sixteen my relationship with my dad started to deteriorate too. Sometimes I would make a comment or snap at him a little when things were tough. Things he would previously have tolerated, at worst. But instead of tolerating them he would ignore me, perhaps for a few hours, perhaps for longer, even when, at times, I would stubbornly continue to talk at him. He never shouted, just sort of withdrew instead. Again, it made me feel that I must be doing something wrong to deserve that sort of treatment: that I was a terrible person and an even worse daughter.

I'd always worked hard at school, but I became even more determined: determined to prove my worth to myself, my teachers and above all my parents. Exam results and making my parents proud became my God. But exam result after exam result failed to change the situation. I knew deep down that my parents loved me, but this only made me feel worse: here they were, feeding me, clothing me, and yes, loving me, and all I could do was make them angry, disappointed, cold and withdrawn. I was hurt and frustrated but I was sure I was at fault and didn't want to cause my parents any more anger and upset. Instead I often turned my anger inwards. I was filled with self-loathing, desperation and despair, and self harmed regularly.

I didn't tell anyone about it at the time, what reason would I have to do that? I was a disappointment, I was the one at fault and the only person that I could take out my pent up frustration on (and the only person I thought deserved to be hurt) was myself. It was simply my own logical decision. I didn't want anyone else to know, especially not my parents, who I thought would just be even more hurt and disappointed by my selfish attitude.The stigma attached to and lack of understanding that many people have for self harm can make it seem impossible to talk about. The thought of it often still fills me with tongue tying, heart racing panic. But I am blessed with close friends and over the past few years, with their help I've been coming to terms with this part of my life, gaining more of an understanding of why I acted in that way. I still self harm sometimes, but more often than not I don't.

This week is about Mental Health Awareness. I am yet to discuss my experience with a doctor. I feel safe talking to my good friends and I know that although they don't always understand, they still love and accept me; and they've been helping me to love and accept who I am too. My relationship with my parents is much improved and we're all healing in our different ways. So I'm not sure I'm really talking about me anymore.

Instead, where did this start? I think it started with the social stigma of depression. We just don't talk about it, do we? It's something bad, something that weak-minded, self-centred people (or perhaps usually strong people who are just going through an awful situation at the moment) suffer from, isn't it? Why don't they just get a grip, man up and muddle on with that oh-so-British stiff upper lip like the rest of us? But depression isn't like that; it isn't just about being a bit sad sometimes. Depression is an illness, just like anything you could suffer from physically. It's time we accept that. If society were more accepting, if people felt able to talk to each other, rather than hiding behind their forced smiles, then people like my dad might be able to speak up sooner.

For people who have friends or family suffering from mental health issues such as depression, I pray that they have shared what they're going through with you. I hope you understand that they don't hate you, they aren't ignoring you, but that sometimes that is the only way they feel able to deal with how they're feeling, particularly if they don't want to hurt you by shouting. It also really isn't your fault, no really, it isn't, just as it isn't their fault. After all, nobody is to blame when they are diagnosed with breast cancer, likewise with depression! So simply, I urge everyone who is reading this, whatever you're going through, to set aside your mask: be more open and willing to talk with people, laugh and cry with them and seek to truly understand what they are experiencing. No-one should feel like they have to suffer in silence. It's time to break free from the shame of depression and the damage that shame can cause.

God be with you,

Anonymous

Living with Mental Health | Depression and Perfection

I suffered from depression at high school. This was something that took a lot of time to overcome. There are many things I learned which have helped me overcome depression. In this post I want to focus on just one, which is sometimes an issue for me to this day. I have always been a perfectionist, and I really believe that to do a good job, I should focus on past mistakes. Since I have always considered this to be one of my better qualities, at high school it never occurred to me to question whether this was contributing to my depression. However, I have since realised that there is a right and a wrong way to go about learning from mistakes. And there is a fine line between learning from mistakes, and dwelling on them.

For example, if I said something stupid when talking to a group of people I didn’t know very well, I would tend to not only feel embarrassed at the time, but remember the incident long afterwards. Of course, everyone has some monumentally bad moments in their lives that they will always remember. But at some point I realised that I was keeping a mental list of small bad moments to - and I remembered bad moments much more clearly than good ones. This was because I felt I had to keep going over my mistakes in order to avoid making them again. I think this is where I crossed the line from learning from bad experiences to not being able to let them go.

For example, during my last exam period, when I was incredibly tired and stressed, I left my laptop at a bus stop. Luckily, someone handed it in to security and I was able to recover it. When I went to pick it up, the person behind the desk seemed to think I was a complete idiot (probably not an unfair assessment given the circumstance). The lesson was pretty obvious – if I’m tired and stressed, I’m more likely to be forgetful, so I should just carry it in my bag. But I kept dwelling on the fact that the person behind the desk thought I was an idiot. Feeling bad about this, I started reviewing my mental list of everything I had ever done wrong, and felt worse and worse. After a while I realised what I was doing. With some effort, I put aside the bad memories, and tried to focus on something else (a hot chocolate and an episode of How I Met Your Mother always seems to do the trick!). I haven’t left anything at a bus stop (or anywhere else!) since, but I also haven’t brought up the bad memory. Of course, this gets harder the worse the experience, but I remember a time when a small incident like this would have made me feel miserable for weeks. For me at least, the main barrier was realising that it is ok to let go, and that doing so won’t lead to repeating the same mistakes – just because I don’t feel the need to regularly revisit the bad memory, doesn’t mean I won’t remember the lesson.

Anonymous 

Living with Mental Health | Borderline Personality Disorder

A friend asked me to write about my experiences with mental health recently. 

This is my attempt to describe how it feels to have emotionally unstable personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder.

The symptoms I experience include: extremes of emotion that are hard to control; impulsive behaviour; desperation for the good opinions of people I care about; black and white thinking, things being either entirely good or entirely bad; and self-destructive coping mechanisms. If my tendency towards chaos comes through my writing style, I apologise, organising my thoughts is tricky at the best of times.

My life is filled with a near constant barrage of intense emotion. Every day is filled with panic, fear, elation, terror, rage, depression and joy. Sometimes I am so sad that my chest seizes up and I feel that I would do anything to make the physical and psychic pain go away. Sometimes anxiety will make me feel like I am going to be sick. Recently, I watched something that made me cry so hard that I vomited. On a night out, I flipped between joy and despair. In the space of an hour I had danced to my favourite song, cut myself in the ladies’ loo, got asked out by someone and was incredibly flattered and euphoric, then went out into the street to cut at my arm until my sleeve was soaked with blood, then came back inside and danced like a wild thing, happy again. It was the best and worst night of my life.

At other times I don’t feel like a human, I feel dead inside and a crushing emptiness that threatens to devour me. Sometimes I feel like everything is unreal and that I don’t really exist. The first time it happened to me, I was convinced someone had drugged me, and I was trying to panic whilst being unable to experience emotion. During my January exams, I was so stressed that I felt like I was floating outside of myself, unable to return to my body.

I don’t have fixed idea of identity, of what my character is. I sometimes feel as if I have too many characteristics – some of which are conflicting. I’m something of a chameleon by necessity; I adapt and edit my own personality in order to fit in with a particular group of people. I feel I’m always hiding pieces of myself away from them.

My inability to regulate my emotional state makes it difficult to carry out normal tasks. At the moment, a good day for me is one where I’ve managed to eat three meals and then perhaps done the washing up or laundry. A bad day will be one where I sit in my bed, tying nooses and self-harming, convinced that nothing will ever be good again.

Conversely, the times that I spend with my friends and family and people I care strongly about will put me in the best of moods. I feel an intense love for my friends that I know other people are unlikely to experience and it makes me hyper, excited, enthusiastic to see them, like it’s Christmas morning every time.

The more I learn about my disordered thinking, the more I see how it affects every aspect of my life. There is no ‘cure’ for this, only non-destructive coping mechanisms and talking therapies. There is hope though, it’s hard to remember at times, but I’m still alive. As long as I decide that the answer to the question of whether “it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”, is still that the highs of love are worth the lows, I have the strength to continue. 

Anonymous

Living with Mental Health | Depression

I became depressed in late 2011, when my family moved back to the country of my heart. But my gran says my voice hadn’t been right since mid 2008 when we moved back to the country of my birth. My voice came right again on the 25^th July 2012.

I never knew how much I relied on my family, and I never would have believed that the place you live could have such an effect on your mental state. I would have always told you that friends were important, but I would never have thought I could have neglected my friends so much.

My experience with depression… I thought I was ok, I was in denial for the best part of 6 months. But I cut myself off from the rest of the world. I obsessed over course work, it made it look like I was a model student, despite my less than perfect attendance at lectures. While inside everything was coming apart. I was self harming, I pulled my hair out and punched myself. I over analysed everything and worried constantly about my family who were living so very far away. I ate, far too much, and exercised far too little. I was very lucky for most of the time to have a gorgeous, loving boyfriend. But, sadly, about a year ago, he broke up with me. And my depression was cited as a reason for the break up. I was cut to the core. And I spent a terrible 3 hours alone, but surrounded by people on public transport. I don’t want you to judge him though. He also has his own cross to bear. He was there with me through my darkest hours. You may say if he truly was there for me he wouldn’t have dumped me. But I am grateful for the times when he held me up and enabled me to get through the day. It was after he dumped me that I started to scratch myself. My wrists and my ankles, my wrists because they were accessible, and annoy me anyway because of an old injury to them. My ankles, because I could hide what I was doing. It was my coping mechanism. I was, then, punishing myself for not being good enough to cope without my family, and for not being good enough for the man I loved.

I made the best decision possible, I started counselling, it took me several months after I had been diagnosed and started the meds (because despite the diagnosis, I didn’t want anything to be wrong with me, I really REALLY wanted to be ok). It helped me to see that I had managed to distort the world around me, which getting less than an A was ok, sure the injuries to my wrists suck, but at least I can still use them for every day life! I did cope without my family, and I was strong enough to try and protect them, succeeding for a very long time. And I was good enough for him, but things just didn’t work out.

The next big decision I made was to move back to the country of my heart and live near my family again. That was when my gran told me my voice belonged to me again.

And I’m back with my family, back in the country of my heart. Once I made the decision it took me a month. And the university I transferred to was only too happy to gain me as a student (not that I would blow my own trumpet, but I am a good student). I feel like my life has started again because I’m enjoying it. I have friends who I talk to almost every day when they can stand it, because I often act a little crazy.

Looking back, one thing really stands out, and that is the support I was given by my friends and family once I owned that I had a problem. The way, despite walling myself up, they welcomed me back and looked after me.

This week I had my last check up for a recent episode of anxiety, and I am very glad to say that I’ve been given a clean bill of mental health for the time being (and a flu jab, ouch!). I can see how far I have come, in just 12 months, despite my last little hiccup. I have lost 20 of the 28 kilos I put on due to comfort eating. My cooking skills have also excelled ;).  When I’m very stressed I have to admit that my fingers to immediately go to my hair, but I have some good friends who look out for me and will take me for a cup of tea if they notice I’m not coping too well (like if my experiments are going very pear shaped). I’m a lot happier, and my life sometimes surprising me at how interesting it ends up being. I’ve found gardening and sewing rather relaxing, and found that the small achievements I made in both have helped when I’ve been having a bad day.

Today its 2013 and I am a happy, strong, beautiful young woman. And I am helping someone else, a friend of my brothers, cope with her depression. What others think of me doesn’t matter because I am unique, a little bit mad maybe, but I’ve found people who appreciate and accept me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the support of some lovely friends, most of whom are a long haul flight away, but another who now only lives 20 minutes up the road, between me and university. She means the world to me, and I can never repay the debt I owe. Nor can I repay the debt to my other friends who loved me when I was entirely un-loveable. I’ve also created a strong support network with the new friends I have found.

If you know someone with a mental health problem all I can say is keep loving them. If their hurts were visible, they would probably be swaddled in bandages, they might be in hospital, but they are defying the odds. If you do have a mental health problem, remember what a beautiful person you are (inside as well as out). Tell someone if you are having a bad day, because they care and will want to help. And if you feel like staying in bed all day doing nothing, go ahead and do it! But the next day you need to get yourself up, I know its really hard. Celebrate every little achievement. There was a time when just getting up was an achievement for me. It was an achievement when I first managed to sleep all the way through the night for 8 hours. I spoilt myself with a new hair cut when I realised my hair was growing back out. And every time I find a new dress that fits, I dress myself up and believe the compliments people give me (which are a lot now I listen to them). Don’t forget that there are free call support numbers if you need someone to talk to but feel a friend or family member isn’t the right person. Anything you say is confidential. I know some people who volunteer for these services and I’ve used them. They are some of the most open minded, comforting people to talk to.

Remember: ‘We are all a little broken, and that’s ok’.

Also, did you know, blind people smile, despite never having seen one, it’s a natural human reaction. Its time for me to sign off though, my uni assignments are calling me... Thanks for reading this, I hope it has inspired you that you can get through and to help anyone you think may be struggling, sometimes a smile is all it takes. 

Anonymous

Living with Mental Health | Depression and the Dark Place

I was diagnosed with depression in November 2011, although looking back I think I had it a lot longer than I realised, but undoubtedly over the summer of 2011 my mental health drop significantly.

Prior to suffering with depression I thought self-harm was silly, I couldn’t understand why anyone ever would. But, now I know. When I was in a dark place, I felt consumed with pain I couldn’t express. My body would shake with tears, but they wouldn’t express the sorrow I felt within. But the physical pain, of feeling something, did. And so, I discovered, like so many others, an instant release of the hurt I felt within. Unfortunately, when I come to my sense, I feel ashamed of my weakness, my desire to hurt myself, and the spiral of pain drag me back down to a place where it was acceptable to damage myself.

When I became brave enough to talk about my feelings, and how dark, the dark place truly was, my friends would say that I could always ring them when I felt like that. And whilst I was grateful for their offer, when the dark times return I couldn’t bring myself to get in contact with them. I felt so ashamed, so weak, so unworthy of their love.

Only a few weeks ago I hit a dark place, and first time I called out for help. It was terrifying, and yet as my friend replied to my text, I felt calmer, I felt loved and slowly I felt at peace again. I didn’t self-harm. For me, it was a massive victory, not only had I conquered my fear of rejection that no one would answer my call for help, I’d also had a triumph against self-harm.

For friends of people who suffer from depression, I want this to encourage you. Don’t give up on us. I know what it is like to stand on the sidelines and watch people battle with depression. It sucks, but I also know that we’re incredibly grateful that you are standing there. Because when we feel strong enough to reach out for help, you’re already there offering a hand. To help me with my depression, I’ve taken anti-depressants, I had counselling but the best treatment I’ve had is friendship. With my friends I laugh, I cry, I talk about what hurts, I talk about the lies I believe, and my friends listen, they tell me things I ignore about myself but most importantly they let me be who I am. Together we live a life worth living; together we make memories worth keeping. 

Anonymous

Living with the D word

Depression: it's a social taboo. 

Nobody talks about it, nobody admits to having it.

Why?

Because it's the unknown, people who suffer from it often feel 'adnormal' 'weak' and 'hopeless' and so often wear a mask to hid there true feelings from the world, meaning people don't realise something is wrong. Unlike with a physical illness, where there are physical signs of an illness - mental illnesses have fewer physical signs. And lets be honest, we've all suffered from off days. We've all had days when we have felt 'depressed' but do we really know what depression is?

The 13th-17th May 2013 is Mental Health Awareness Week, whilst the theme of the week is physical health and exercise, I've asked people to write a short piece on there first hand experiences of depression, this maybe through suffering themselves or from supporting a friend. The aim of this blog is to help people understand where friends maybe coming from, to help support people with depression - to help them see they are not alone, other people have been where they've been, because a problem with depression is it makes you feel so isolated. Makes you feel so alone.

Why? Because statistics suggest that depression is a lot more common then you'd think, so the likelihood is you know someone who has depression, and whilst they might tell you, it doesn't mean they aren't suffering.

The blogs you read are all anonymous, stories from people in all areas of my life, I've asked people who I thought were willing to share their story, but if you'd also like share something, it can be any length, feel free to message/email me (jesv@hotmail.co.uk.)

I hope this blog helps you, in various ways

God bless,

Jess

The posts:

• Depression and the Dark Place
• Depression
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Depression and Perfection
• Friends, Family and Depression
• Depression and Friendship
• Depression and Faith

(Image taken from this website: http://www.actionondepression.org/campaigns)  

Live below the line | Living off £1 a day for 5 days.

Day Six

Today I return to eating real food! And haven't. I had porriage for breakfast (made with 100% milk) and had a coffee, I had last nights leftovers for lunch with a chocolate biscuit and an orange and tonight I'm going to a friends for dinner. So why am I blogging. Because I'm still feeling the effects of my diet. I'm tired, so tired napping on my books in the library seemed appealing. I'm emotional, I threw a strop at the printer when it refused to let my log on (bottom lip out an all!) But I'm also still very aware of the cost of food. Before heading to campus I went to the Co-op to buy a packet of crisps, and left without them. Why? They cost 75p (I was looking at snack-a-jacks) that was 3/4 of my budget for the last 5 days. On a packet of crisps which would only give me a mild energy boast. I decided that my 75p could be better spent on the helping other people so I decided my revision could do without an extra snack. And do you know, I didn't think about them. I didn't regret buying them, but I do know, if I had bought them I would have felt guilty about spending so much after living off so little. 

Day Five | Time to confess

As you all know, my aim for the week was to live off a budget of £5 for 5 days. I decided this meant all my food and drink, as well as my transport and social arrangements for the week. Unfortunately, I forgot this fact when I booked my tickets for the opening ceremony of the Roses. So, last night I (along with an awful lot of other people) headed off to Huntington Stadium to witness my first ever Rugby match (which York won - woopwoop). Do I feel guilty about this? Well, I am a little, the cost of the ticket was more than my budget for the week, but also it was a once in a lifetime experience-ish. For those of you who don't know what the Roses is, it's a annual sporting event between York and Lancaster Universities (fun trailer here) and each University takes it chance to host it. (This year being York's turn) As I missed out going in first year, this was realistically my one and only chance to watch the opening ceremony whilst being an undegrad so I feel justified in going. The fact I had completely forgotten it was this week also helps to reduce my guilt. 

Bread excitement!

But enough about that. In conclusion (bar the Roses) I have kept within my budget, I have said no to other events (like going to the student cinema.) I've found the repeating of my meals difficult, I'm bored of not having a choice what to eat and having to try and think imaginatively about what I'm going to do with a tin of chopped tomatoes today. But most importantly, I'm glad to have done this, I'm glad that I've had a slight reminder of what poverty feels like, I've been feeling hungry, I'm feeling tired and I'm getting emotional over the slightest thing, but I also feel incredibly lucky that I am able to do this as a challenge, that tomorrow I can revert back to my normal diet and not have such a severe budget controlling my spending. 

On a final note, I headed over to the co-op last night to buy 4 pints of milk for this mornings (Saturdays) breakfast and found an absolute bargain in the reduced section - yes that is right 10p for a loaf of bread. I was so excited at my find I rang two friends to tell them my news, and then told my housemates. Why? Because after this week, a slightly stale loaf of bread is exciting, because it is a novelty, it's a different taste, a different texture. So, yes, even 10p can make a difference to someones life.

Day Four

Eating lunch outside (again)

So, it's now the afternoon of day four, and I'm starting to feel the effects of my diet. I had an afternoon workshop and was feeling rather sleepy throughout. But, it is now over halfway, and I'm mentally counting down to Saturday mornings trip to the Co-op. However, for so many people, this isn't just a challenge, it's a lifestyle. And whilst I can get excited about feeling full on Saturday, so many people can't. For them the luxury of my lifestyle is only obtainable in their dreams. Please, think about your money and how you spend it. I'm not asking for a donation to make me feel great, I'm challenging you to think about your spending and could you chose a charity that you think is doing important work in the world to give a monthly donation to. Because even £1/month could make a difference. 

Yes Jess that sounds great, but I'm currently a poor student.

But are you? Are you really poor, in the world's eyes? Because, I beat even if you just use your student loan you'll be considered rich in the World's eyes. Don't believe me? Check out the global rich list. So yeah, I challenge you, find a charity and set up a direct debit - just £1 a month and help make a difference, because together we can break the chains of poverty.

Day Three | Over Halfway!

Enjoying yesterday's leftovers for todays lunch.

So, today is the end of day 3. And I'm hungry, tired of eating chopped tomatoes and beans and quite frankly want some chocolate.

But, I've still got another 25.5 hours until I'm allowed that, and realistically I'll be asleep then (and more importantly the Co-op will be closed.) Despite sounding all doom and gloom, I'm glad I'm doing this. There is nothing like the gentle reminder of poverty then the rumbling of your own stomach. Whilst I (normally) go to bed with a full belly, 1 in 8 people go to bed on an empty stomach. And if that isn't bad enough 28% of all children in developing countries are thought to be underweight or stunted. So, I'm healthy 21 year old, lucky enough to be born into a family who could feed me, and continue to provide for me so I continue in education not only post-16 but to University. So many children don't get that option because of extreme poverty.

I believe we need to be the generation that breaks that cycle. And if that means I miss out on a few enjoyable meals in a week then that is more than worth it.

The Challenge:

So, last year as a fundraiser for Uganda I did the 5 Day Bean and Rice Challenge,  this year I'm stepping up the mark and have signed up to live below the extreme poverty line.

Yes, that's right for 5 days (29th April - 3rd May) I will live off £1 per day. 

Do get an idea of the how the challenge works, check out their website by clicking here! And if you'd like to sponsor me that would be lovely, I'd like to raise £100 for Tearfund; the Christian Charity I went out to Uganda with. So any donations would be most welcome, you can donate online (click here) or give me the money in person.

Creation, Evolution and the Atomic Theory.

I'm meant to be revising, so attempt to reduce my distraction I'm playing the first episode of David Attenborough's First Life: Arrival. As I'm now blogging you can see it has been a wonderful revision aid.....But, it's got me thinking again about the Origin's of Life. If you've read my previous blog, God, Dinosaurs and Kangaroos don't worry I'm aiming this one to be slightly different (and more geeky). 

Creation and Evolution. 

They're both theories. And I'm a chemist and we study A LOT of theories. But, what exactly is a theory? According to google it is:

A supposition or a system of ideas intended to explain something. esp. one based on general principles independent of the thing to be....."Darwin's theory of evolution.

Which strikes me at being a bit useless as a theory. I see a theory of being a plausible explanation of an unknown thing. In Chemistry, we get told theories a lot, and then get told pretty soon after that they're wrong. I'm going to use this idea to explain how I think creation and evolution are two theories that help to explain one another.

Anyone who did GSCE Science will have probably studied the 'Plum Pudding Model.' The idea is that the atomic is spherical, is mainly composed of positive charge, but also has areas of negative charge.

You then get told that is a lie, leading to the Rutherford Atomic model (another lie) and then to the Bohr Atomic Model. Here the atomic is still spherical, but now the positive charge is grouped together in the centre, and the electrons (negative charge) go around in nice spherical rings (called shells) surrounding the nucleus. There is also rules to how many atoms are in each of these shells.

If anyone made it to A-Level, you promptly discover that shells aren't as nice as you initially thought and you learn a new term orbital. Which leads to diagrams like this.

Which not surprising get more complex when you reach Uni, but I won't bore you with that (code for I don't understand it!)

But the point I'm making is, that all three diagrams look different. Why? They're trying to understand what they've learnt through experiments  But, they all have similarities (spherical, areas of positive and negative charge.) And Creationism and Evolution also have similarities:

- they go from 'nothing' to life today (obvious point Jess)

- time phase (yes this leads to many arguments but the point I'm making is that neither say it was instantaneous. Even if you go very conservative Christian it still takes 6 days. 

- the development of the sun, then land and sea, then life.

And they also have differences. If you look at the later two atomic theories, you may ask why not teach the second model straight off. Why? Because it's too complex. In the same why, now we have science we can understand the more complex beginnings of life - the how. But before then did we need to know the 'how'? Or was the 'why' more important? I think both creation and evolution explain how life came into being but by answering two different questions. Creationism answers the why , whilst evolution the how. Which may explain why we have two very different answers. 

Why did Earth becoming into being? Because, according to the creation theory God could. If you read the creation story, it's about the power of God's word. He spoke and it came into being.

But How Earth developed? We have theories, like Evolution but I can not tell you the actually how, mainly because Scientists are still bickering. But, what we can be sure is that time played an important process and that life developed gradually from a small life species in the Sea (according to Attenborough's Arrival episode)

The Future

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God"

Carrie ten Boom

As I'm in my penultimate year of Uni, the future seems frightening. I don't know what I'm going to do when I finish, I don't know whether I want to stay in Science or go into teaching or do something more radical - like travel.

I'm currently on holiday, and as I had a spare hour or so I decided to listen to a talk from Momentum 2012 called: Knowing God's Will and our Calling. The talk was very useful and made me think of things I hadn't considered about my future.

First off, when I pray about it, my questions is this (if God's lucky): What are your plans for MY life. God, is the Creator of the Universe, he designed me and you, and I'm asking him what he has planned for me as if he's my secretary and has my life written up in a diary. Instead, the speaker suggests we should ask God: How can my life fit into YOUR plans. Now, we're acknowledging that God is the more powerful and influential member of our relationship and that our lives should be about serving him (rather than him serving us as our secretary)

Second point the speaker made was that our twenties are a time to discover who we are. I know I often think that once I finish Uni I'll be old, but realistically in the scale of things, if I live to be 80 I'll only have lived a quarter of my life. And that's not so long at all. So, she suggested that our twenties should be a period of learning how we are, what makes us tick and what frustrates us. Because God has designed us so we are all different and all different things make us tick, so we can all serve God in different ways, but ways we enjoy. So, we need to learn more about ourselves to get a better idea how we can best serve God.

And the third point I took from her talk, and the one that speaks to me the most is that we are all on our own personalised discipleship programme. We're all going to learn different things at different times, go through periods of uncertainty and disbelief, so it doesn't matter if people already know what they're going to do in their future because it doesn't make them a holier Christian, God just teaching you different things at different times.     

A short thought on friendship

I've just started watching 'Mr Selfridge' admittedly a little later than everyone else, so I'm a tad behind. But, in the episode I watched today, the famous Antarctic explorer: Sir Ernest Shackleton visits the store, and Mr Selfridge's son, asks him what makes a good leader, to which he replies (after a large period of thought):

 "to bring my men in from the cold, each and every day."

Whilst I believe that it is a good definition for good leadership, could it not also be applied to friendship? Shackleton put the success of being the first person to reach the South Pole, below that of his men, ensuring that none of them died. But I wonder, how often do I priorities my own personal success above that of investing in my friendships? How often do I say a 'joke' at the cost of a friend? Or even worse, a snide comment meant to knock them down. Because, for the sake of the metaphor, every time I do that I leave them out in the cold. And how can that be described as friendship?

Haircuts and Spiritual Loads.

So, for the first time in my life, I had my haircut in a real hairdressers. It was a lovely experience, I had about 6" cut off my hair and in places even more than that! Why am I telling you this, because my hair actually weighs a lot. I didn't realise quite how heavy it was, until it was gone, at which point it felt like a huge load had been lifted off my shoulders, it even became easier to sit up. Whilst that in itself is a rather obvious point, how often do we carry metaphorical loads, that weigh us down? 

On Sunday, Matthew Porter (the vicar at St Michael le Belfrey) based his talk on simplicity in the Christian life, and how we should "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that easily entangles" Hebrews 12:1. As I cycled home today, with my shoulders light from my lack of hair, it made me think about what Matthew challenged us on. 

For those who know me, you'll know my diary dictates my life, and my diary is never empty. The combination of doing a Chemistry degree and having an inability to say 'no' (because everything sounds great!) means I have little 'me' time. I take on too much, and consequently push God out. 

Yes, that right, I push God out. I push out the God who says

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

God calls out to us, and asks to help us with our loads, and yet I know I often smile, in that polite British way and say "It's okay God, I'm fine, I'm in complete control" whilst hoping the all knowing God fails to notice my life failing around me. I need to acknowledge the fact that I'm not okay, and my life certainly isn't. I need to work out what spiritual loads I'm carrying, so I can "throw off everything that hinders" because I know that I carry a lot of burdens around with me on a daily basis. I have chained painful things to myself that I should cut away, I carry the burdens of friends, the stresses of my life, the fears for my future and the guilt from my past. I carry a lot, and I need Jesus to help me to throw off my load so I can keep going without getting weighed down.

So I challenge you this; is it time for your spiritual haircut?

Christianity and Homosexuality.

The Church has a bad press about it's attitude towards homosexuality, and whilst I don't want this blog to discuss what the Bible says in regards to homosexuality, because everyone has different opinions, I want to draw the attention away from this widely debated topic, and onto other parts of scripture which are often ignored

The majority of times 'sexual immorality' is mentioned in the Bible, especially in the New Testament  it is listed in a list of 'sins.' Why? Because, a sin is a sin, there are not big sins or little sins. They all have an equal weighting to God, because we have turned away from him and his rule. And yet, the Church often portrays sexual sin, especially homosexuality, as a massive sin, when it's not. Therefore, as a sinner, how can I condemn someone else who sins? I can't. Because they could point out the places in my life where I sin. Whilst I believe being accountable to other Christians is important, mentally condemning others who I see 'sin worse than me' is wrong. Utterly wrong.

Why? Matthew says:

One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with his question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." 

Matthew 22:36-40

Because Jesus says that loving one another is the second most important thing, and how can I love someone if I always condemn them? I don't see that as love, through loving them I may talk about what I see as wrong in their life, but in all they do I should support them even if I believe they will be hurt in the end. 

Lets say, my non-christian friend dated a guy with girlfriend. I would say it was wrong, but I wouldn't stop being her friend, and I would always be there to listen to what they'd done and then support her if/when he hurt her. Why? Because she's my friend and I love her, just because what I see she is doing is wrong doesn't stop me loving her. 

In the same way, as Christians I feel we are called to love everyone, it Jesus loved the outcasts of society, and so we should also love everyone even if what we believe that the lifestyle they live is against that of the bible. Jesus spoke to prostitutes and tax collectors, his best friends were fishermen, and so, as Christians we should also reflect that love. We should love accountants and politicians, we should be-friend people for who they are rather than the labels that society gives people.

I don't know whether I want the bill for gay marriage to be passed, I can see pros and cons for each argument  but I know whatever happens I am called to love other people for that is what God has called me to do foremost. 

Reflections

I've not blogged for a while, because I've not felt like it. And yet, there are so many things I feel I should blog about. I'm currently sat at home, and I'm meant to be working, listening to the Rugby. My sister travels out to South Africa next weekend, so I'm home to see her for the last time in three and a half months. 

Which is making me think about my own trip to Uganda in the summer, all I learnt, and all the things I wanted to change about myself, which I haven't. But, I wonder how have I changed, because I know I am different to the person I was seven months ago when I arrived in Uganda, I know I am different to the person I was before I left home and came to York. And now, as I've reached the halfway point of my third year I wonder what God has in store for me in the future. 

Next year will be different, I'll be a masters student, so I'll have a different student experience than I've been enjoying for the last three years. I'll be living with new people, and a lot of my friends will no longer be in York. I don't know what I'll be doing my research in, where I will be living, but I know that God knows. And that gives me hope. 

I still don't feel close to God, but I still know he's part of my life, I know that he's in control, and he knows what I'm currently feeling. Since my blog 'Deserts and Doubts' I've discovered a new song, whilst I cried the first time I listed to it, it now gives me strength to face each day and helps me to remember whatever is happening God is in control. 

"This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is a God who provides." 

Slavery: It still happens.

I first heard about 'Stop the Traffik' at Spring Harvest probably in 2006, and was shocked that slavery still exists, but know seven years down the line it still shocks me, not as much as it did. But it's the stats that hit me, time after time, the same stats the only difference - they're increasing. 

Two days ago, 11th January, it was 'Human Trafficking Awareness Day', so as I always run a little late, here's my part is making people aware. Human Trafficking isn't just about the sex trade, although that takes up a major part, it involves people being forced to work in agriculture and mining. And if that isn't horrific enough, unlike the well known transatlantic slave trade where the slaves were seen as long term investments  today's slaves are seen as 'disposable tools' merely a way of increasing profits. 

So, some stats:

• 600,000 - 800,00 men, women and children are trafficked across international borders each year. Approximately 80% are women and girls. Up of 50% are minors.
              - US Departement of State Trafficking in Persons Report 2005
• Human trafficking is the second largest source of illegal income worldwide, exceed only by drugs trafficking.
               - Belser 2005 (Arms comes third)
• 1.2 million children are trafficked every year
              - Estimated by UNICEF
• People trafficking is the fastest growing means by which people are enslaved, the fastest growing international crime, and one of the largest sources of income for organised crime.
               - The UN Office on Drugs and Crime

And that's only a few. Something that hits me hard, is the child sex slave. I saw this poster early in the week, and well it speaks for it's self. 

So, my question is: What are we going to do about this? 

Because, there is no way that slavery is right, so WHY does it still exist? 

Please, please check out the Stop the Traffik website

(I'll update this is a few days/hours time when I've done some work and researched into ways to support organisations like 'Stop the Traffik')

biblesync vs. Exam Stress

For those lovely people who read this and don't attend York University - this week is exam week, potentially my favourite week of the year, not only does it ruin Christmas but there is too little time between exams to feel remotely prepared for the next. Therefore, like other people I end up very stressed. However, unlike previous years I now get biblesync directly to my email account. Although, I don't check it very often, the past two days I have and God has pulled out the stoppers with some brilliant passages.

Tuesday 8th January 

At some point during the day, it hit me that I wasn't quite sure how I was going to get through the remainder of the week. On Monday afternoon I had my first exam, the only one I had revised for (so far) and it hadn't gone as well as I'd like. So whilst procrastinating I decided to check my email account and see what the biblesync passages were for that day, and the following is one of them: 

Matthew 6:25-34: Do Not Worry

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

Matthew 6:25-27

Pretty good! It was really helpful for me to be reminded that despite everything that was going on, despite me feeling that these exams where the most important thing in the world, that God has the situation in control. And he knows exactly what I'm going to do in my life, and he's going to make sure I get the grades to do that. So instead of fretting, I need to remember that God knows everything because he created everything! And at the end of the day, my trust needs to be in him, not my own academic success. Because, life is so much more than work, life is about living. I also really like the translation in The Message:

"There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body" and I can imagine, far more to knowledge than intelligence.

Because, at the end of the day, God isn't interested in how clever you are, but what you've learnt in life, and how those lessons have changed you.

Wednesday 9th January

Yesterday I had sore red eye, and by this morning it was swollen, so my lovely housemate told me that I had to go to the doctors because it was infected. So, at 9 am this morning I headed off to campus....and it wasn't until 10:40 that I arrived at the library, very frustrated that I had 'wasted' over and hour and a half at the doctors and annoyed that I had got conjunctivitis. Anyway, like yesterday I logged into my email account and this the first line read:

"LORD my God, I take refuge in you;

save and deliver me from all who purse me."

Psalm 7:1

It wasn't what I needed to pray exactly, whilst what was pursing me wasn't people (which is what David sang about) it was my emotions, and yet I still needed saving from them. I needed to me reminded (yet again) that I couldn't relay on myself, I have to relay on God, I have to admit my weaknesses and take refuge in him. And so I have. And God has answered, he has saved me from my emotions, and I feel calmness and I am confident that when I sit my exam this evening, God will be with me, sitting alongside me, as he is in every part of my life.

God bless x