A few weeks ago, I was watching Call the Midwife, and one of the main characters was dealing with grief. Another, minor character gave her this advice:

To just keep living, until one day she felt alive again.

This line really spoke to me. When I was dealing with depression, I never really felt alive, I just existed. I didn't feel anything, other than exhaustion and emptiness, and therefore I often felt like I couldn't cope. I felt that this was my new existence, and I didn't feel that it would get any better, in fact, I thought it would always just stay the same. It was awful, how could I say to someone that  I didn't feel alive? The fact you're talking to them clearly dismisses that fact. But, as I've learnt, living and feeling alive, are two separate things. 

Talking from the other end of the tunnel. It does get better, it's easy for me to say that, and I'll admit not every day is great. But, do keep living, because one day, I don't know when, you'll wake up and realise that the emptiness is fading, and the day doesn't look so bad. And then a while later you'll realise that you are are alive, and able to enjoy living life to the full again.

God bless,

Jess

Religion is irrational

This week I went to a debate by York Union debate called "Religion is irrational and today's society would be better off without it." Whilst I am, without a doubt, against this notion, I also feel torn by the argument, because for me, my Christian faith is a bit irrational.

When I say I believe in God, I know I can never design an experiment to prove it (although, I cannot design one to disprove God’s existence), I know that my ‘reasoning’ behind my belief will be perceived as irrational, and that is the beauty of it. I have a faith, I believe in what I cannot prove through science, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Augustine said (according to the internet)

“Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.”

At the end of the day, regardless of whether I can prove to someone that God is real, I know in my heart that it’s true. And it’s the truth, which for me is the most irrational part of all.

God, created this world to have a relationship with us. And yet, we rebelled. We turned away, decided we could live without him, but despite the fact, God never gave up. He sent prophet after prophet, and finally his son, to die, for me and for you, to save us.

For me, that is what is irrational. God, creator of the Universe was willing to die, for you and for me, because he loves us, despite everything we have done, and will do. God loves you and God loves me. And how can we ever deserve that? God’s love for us is completely and utterly irrational. He does not need us, and yet he calls out to us in love and welcomes us into his family.

(This blog was originally posted on www.belfreystudents.org/blog)

Faith, Depression and Lessons learnt.

It's a while since I last blogged, but in my previous blog, Living with Mental health | Depression and Faith, I said that I had learnt a lot of lessons about God through my depression, since then I've had my finals to revise for, then socialising to catch up on and then it ended up being now, and I realised that I had missed blogging, and that I had a promise to upkeep. So, here are some of the lessons I have learnt about the God that I follow, through my period of depression.

• God is a God of love. 

Sounds crazy? My depression was a period of my life where I struggled a lot with my identity, I felt unworthy of anyone's love, let alone a God's love. I was imperfect, struggling to do the simplest of tasks, so how could a God who created the Universe want to love me. And yet, I continued to believe that it was true, admittedly there were periods when I doubted but, in so many places the Bible is clear. God is a God of love. He loves me, he loves you, he loves the world.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believed in him shall not die but have eternal life."

John 3:16 

Verse like that kept me going in the dark times, but also this experience. One evening I was sat in church crying, praying out to God and I felt someone my place their hand on upper arm, I felt the reassuring pressure of their fingers. And yet there was no one there. It felt as thought they had their arm around me, holding me tight, making me feel loved and cared for. But, it wasn't the person next to me as they were using both their hands to hold mine. I believe that presence was God. 

• God keeps his promises

A few weeks after I had been diagnosed with depression, I had a strong conviction, that one day God would  heal me. And whilst I'm not quite there yet, I know my depression no longer affects my daily life, I can live the life I want to live with no fear of a lapse. Why? Because I know my God is with me where ever I go.

"When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rives,

they will not sweep you away.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burnt;

the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2 

• God is a provider

I can safely say that I would not be where I am today it wasn't for God's provision. God provided me with an amazing, loving group of friends, my housemates, my course mates and my friends at church. All of these people have helped me stand on my own two feet. They have helped me stay on track, to pass each year, and to continue with my studying. 

• God is a God of hope

Sometimes, when I woke up I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to face the day. I didn't want to face the pain and the hardship, I just want to stay cocoon in bed away from it all.  But sometimes, it got a lot worse than that, I didn't want to face my future. When I was really ill, the future resembled a long dark tunnel, and I couldn't face walking along it because it didn't look any better. But I knew that God would bring light into my situation and with the light he brought me hope. I know that whatever happens in my life, God will bring good out of it, and that gives me a hope to keep on going. 

Whilst you might think I'm mad, for believing in a God who has watched me suffer, I believe that he has suffered with me, and he has suffered more. Because he died for me upon a cross. And he was watched me cry every tear, felt with me the weight of my pain, and has kept loving me. Through my experience I have learnt many things, I have learnt things about myself, about the world and I have learnt about my faith. Whilst I would never wish to go through this again, I am glad that God has used this time of pain to bring goodness into my life.

CHRISTmas: The beginning of the end.

Christmas, celebrates Jesus's birth. And Christians believe that:

• Jesus is fully God
• Jesus is also fully human
• and because of these two facts he is our salvation.

This 'plan' isn't something God just thought up before he sent Gabriel to see Mary, Jesus was the salvation plan from the very beginning. Just after Adam and Eve sinned against God, God punished them (leading to death, pain and suffering entering the world) but he also gave them (and us) hope.

"And I will put enmity

 between you [serpent] and the woman, [Eve]

 and between your offspring and hers; 

he will crush your head,

and you will strike his heel." 

 Genesis 3:15

Right from the beginning of time, God promised to send us someone who would save us from the Devil (the serpent) and the rest of the Old Testament shows God being faithful to his people (the Israelites) who constantly disobey him and reject him from their lives. But God keeps loving them, keep promising to send someone who will be able to save them from themselves. Who can save all of us from the voice inside our head that calls us to hurt one another, that tells us that money, or popularity or clothes will makes us feel better, the voice that taunts us when we're down, and tells us we're not worth anything. 

Jesus didn't come to Earth to make us feel insignificant, useless and unworthy, he came to Earth, to be born as a lowly carpenter in Nazareth, the place where no one of importance lived. And place he worked for 30 years of his life, before he started the final journey of his life, 3 years of teaching before he sacrificed himself on a cross so you and I could be free. He didn't come to judge, he came to save. He didn't come to reject but to show his love. And his by his death, he took all our sins onto himself, and then rose again, defeating death and crushing the serpents head, and by this action if you believe in him at the day of Judgement, Jesus will stand between you and God and say he died for you, and you too will be raised into everlasting life, into the relationship with God. Because, all God wants is for you to believe in him and have a relationship with him. He wants to save you, because he loves you.