I became depressed in late 2011, when my family moved back
to the country of my heart. But my gran says my voice hadn’t been right since mid
2008 when we moved back to the country of my birth. My voice came right again
on the 25th July 2012.
I never knew how much I relied on my family, and I never
would have believed that the place you live could have such an effect on your
mental state. I would have always told you that friends were important, but I
would never have thought I could have neglected my friends so much.
My experience with depression… I thought I was ok, I was in
denial for the best part of 6 months. But I cut myself off from the rest of the
world. I obsessed over course work, it made it look like I was a model student,
despite my less than perfect attendance at lectures. While inside everything
was coming apart. I was self harming, I pulled my hair out and punched myself.
I over analysed everything and worried constantly about my family who were
living so very far away. I ate, far too much, and exercised far too little. I
was very lucky for most of the time to have a gorgeous, loving boyfriend. But,
sadly, about a year ago, he broke up with me. And my depression was cited as a
reason for the break up. I was cut to the core. And I spent a terrible 3 hours
alone, but surrounded by people on public transport. I don’t want you to judge
him though. He also has his own cross to bear. He was there with me through my
darkest hours. You may say if he truly was there for me he wouldn’t have dumped
me. But I am grateful for the times when he held me up and enabled me to get
through the day. It was after he dumped me that I started to scratch myself. My
wrists and my ankles, my wrists because they were accessible, and annoy me
anyway because of an old injury to them. My ankles, because I could hide what I
was doing. It was my coping mechanism. I was, then, punishing myself for not
being good enough to cope without my family, and for not being good enough for
the man I loved.
I made the best decision possible, I started counselling, it
took me several months after I had been diagnosed and started the meds (because
despite the diagnosis, I didn’t want anything to be wrong with me, I really
REALLY wanted to be ok). It helped me to see that I had managed to distort the
world around me, which getting less than an A was ok, sure the injuries to my
wrists suck, but at least I can still use them for every day life! I did cope
without my family, and I was strong enough to try and protect them, succeeding
for a very long time. And I was good enough for him, but things just didn’t
work out.
The next big decision I made was to move back to the country
of my heart and live near my family again. That was when my gran told me my
voice belonged to me again.
And I’m back with my family, back in the country of my
heart. Once I made the decision it took me a month. And the university I
transferred to was only too happy to gain me as a student (not that I would blow
my own trumpet, but I am a good student). I feel like my life has started again
because I’m enjoying it. I have friends who I talk to almost every day when
they can stand it, because I often act a little crazy.
Looking back, one thing really stands out, and that is the
support I was given by my friends and family once I owned that I had a problem.
The way, despite walling myself up, they welcomed me back and looked after me.
This week I had my last check up for a recent episode of
anxiety, and I am very glad to say that I’ve been given a clean bill of mental
health for the time being (and a flu jab, ouch!). I can see how far I have
come, in just 12 months, despite my last little hiccup. I have lost 20 of the
28 kilos I put on due to comfort eating. My cooking skills have also excelled
;). When I’m very stressed I have to admit
that my fingers to immediately go to my hair, but I have some good friends who
look out for me and will take me for a cup of tea if they notice I’m not coping
too well (like if my experiments are going very pear shaped). I’m a lot
happier, and my life sometimes surprising me at how interesting it ends up
being. I’ve found gardening and sewing rather relaxing, and found that the
small achievements I made in both have helped when I’ve been having a bad day.
Today its 2013 and I
am a happy, strong, beautiful young woman. And I am helping someone else, a
friend of my brothers, cope with her depression. What others think of me
doesn’t matter because I am unique, a little bit mad maybe, but I’ve found
people who appreciate and accept me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the
support of some lovely friends, most of whom are a long haul flight away, but
another who now only lives 20 minutes up the road, between me and university.
She means the world to me, and I can never repay the debt I owe. Nor can I repay
the debt to my other friends who loved me when I was entirely un-loveable. I’ve
also created a strong support network with the new friends I have found.
If you know someone with a mental health problem all I can
say is keep loving them. If their
hurts were visible, they would probably be swaddled in bandages, they might be
in hospital, but they are defying the odds. If you do have a mental health
problem, remember what a beautiful person you are (inside as well as out). Tell
someone if you are having a bad day, because they care and will want to help.
And if you feel like staying in bed all day doing nothing, go ahead and do it!
But the next day you need to get yourself up, I know its really hard. Celebrate
every little achievement. There was a time when just getting up was an
achievement for me. It was an achievement when I first managed to sleep all the
way through the night for 8 hours. I spoilt myself with a new hair cut when I
realised my hair was growing back out. And every time I find a new dress that
fits, I dress myself up and believe the compliments people give me (which are a
lot now I listen to them). Don’t forget that there are free call support
numbers if you need someone to talk to but feel a friend or family member isn’t
the right person. Anything you say is confidential. I know some people who
volunteer for these services and I’ve used them. They are some of the most open
minded, comforting people to talk to.
Remember: ‘We are all a little broken, and that’s ok’.
Also, did you know, blind people smile, despite never having
seen one, it’s a natural human reaction. Its time for me to sign off though, my
uni assignments are calling me... Thanks for reading this, I hope it has
inspired you that you can get through and to help anyone you think may be
struggling, sometimes a smile is all it takes.
Anonymous
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