Prior to suffering with depression I thought self-harm was
silly, I couldn’t understand why anyone ever would. But, now I know. When I was
in a dark place, I felt consumed with pain I couldn’t express. My body would
shake with tears, but they wouldn’t express the sorrow I felt within. But the
physical pain, of feeling something, did. And so, I discovered, like so many
others, an instant release of the hurt I felt within. Unfortunately, when I
come to my sense, I feel ashamed of my weakness, my desire to hurt myself, and
the spiral of pain drag me back down to a place where it was acceptable to
damage myself.
When I became brave enough to talk about my feelings, and
how dark, the dark place truly was, my friends would say that I could always
ring them when I felt like that. And whilst I was grateful for their offer,
when the dark times return I couldn’t bring myself to get in contact with them.
I felt so ashamed, so weak, so unworthy of their love.
Only a few weeks ago I hit a dark place, and first time I
called out for help. It was terrifying, and yet as my friend replied to my
text, I felt calmer, I felt loved and slowly I felt at peace again. I didn’t
self-harm. For me, it was a massive victory, not only had I conquered my fear
of rejection that no one would answer my call for help, I’d also had a triumph
against self-harm.
For friends of people who suffer from depression, I want
this to encourage you. Don’t give up on us. I know what it is like to stand on
the sidelines and watch people battle with depression. It sucks, but I also
know that we’re incredibly grateful that you are standing there. Because when
we feel strong enough to reach out for help, you’re already there offering a
hand. To help me with my depression, I’ve taken anti-depressants, I had
counselling but the best treatment I’ve had is friendship. With my friends I
laugh, I cry, I talk about what hurts, I talk about the lies I believe, and my
friends listen, they tell me things I ignore about myself but most importantly
they let me be who I am. Together we live a life worth living; together we make
memories worth keeping.
Anonymous
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