Living with Mental Health | Borderline Personality Disorder

A friend asked me to write about my experiences with mental health recently. 

This is my attempt to describe how it feels to have emotionally unstable personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder.

The symptoms I experience include: extremes of emotion that are hard to control; impulsive behaviour; desperation for the good opinions of people I care about; black and white thinking, things being either entirely good or entirely bad; and self-destructive coping mechanisms. If my tendency towards chaos comes through my writing style, I apologise, organising my thoughts is tricky at the best of times.

My life is filled with a near constant barrage of intense emotion. Every day is filled with panic, fear, elation, terror, rage, depression and joy. Sometimes I am so sad that my chest seizes up and I feel that I would do anything to make the physical and psychic pain go away. Sometimes anxiety will make me feel like I am going to be sick. Recently, I watched something that made me cry so hard that I vomited. On a night out, I flipped between joy and despair. In the space of an hour I had danced to my favourite song, cut myself in the ladies’ loo, got asked out by someone and was incredibly flattered and euphoric, then went out into the street to cut at my arm until my sleeve was soaked with blood, then came back inside and danced like a wild thing, happy again. It was the best and worst night of my life.

At other times I don’t feel like a human, I feel dead inside and a crushing emptiness that threatens to devour me. Sometimes I feel like everything is unreal and that I don’t really exist. The first time it happened to me, I was convinced someone had drugged me, and I was trying to panic whilst being unable to experience emotion. During my January exams, I was so stressed that I felt like I was floating outside of myself, unable to return to my body.

I don’t have fixed idea of identity, of what my character is. I sometimes feel as if I have too many characteristics – some of which are conflicting. I’m something of a chameleon by necessity; I adapt and edit my own personality in order to fit in with a particular group of people. I feel I’m always hiding pieces of myself away from them.

My inability to regulate my emotional state makes it difficult to carry out normal tasks. At the moment, a good day for me is one where I’ve managed to eat three meals and then perhaps done the washing up or laundry. A bad day will be one where I sit in my bed, tying nooses and self-harming, convinced that nothing will ever be good again.

Conversely, the times that I spend with my friends and family and people I care strongly about will put me in the best of moods. I feel an intense love for my friends that I know other people are unlikely to experience and it makes me hyper, excited, enthusiastic to see them, like it’s Christmas morning every time.

The more I learn about my disordered thinking, the more I see how it affects every aspect of my life. There is no ‘cure’ for this, only non-destructive coping mechanisms and talking therapies. There is hope though, it’s hard to remember at times, but I’m still alive. As long as I decide that the answer to the question of whether “it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”, is still that the highs of love are worth the lows, I have the strength to continue. 

Anonymous

Living with Mental Health | Depression

I became depressed in late 2011, when my family moved back to the country of my heart. But my gran says my voice hadn’t been right since mid 2008 when we moved back to the country of my birth. My voice came right again on the 25^th July 2012.

I never knew how much I relied on my family, and I never would have believed that the place you live could have such an effect on your mental state. I would have always told you that friends were important, but I would never have thought I could have neglected my friends so much.

My experience with depression… I thought I was ok, I was in denial for the best part of 6 months. But I cut myself off from the rest of the world. I obsessed over course work, it made it look like I was a model student, despite my less than perfect attendance at lectures. While inside everything was coming apart. I was self harming, I pulled my hair out and punched myself. I over analysed everything and worried constantly about my family who were living so very far away. I ate, far too much, and exercised far too little. I was very lucky for most of the time to have a gorgeous, loving boyfriend. But, sadly, about a year ago, he broke up with me. And my depression was cited as a reason for the break up. I was cut to the core. And I spent a terrible 3 hours alone, but surrounded by people on public transport. I don’t want you to judge him though. He also has his own cross to bear. He was there with me through my darkest hours. You may say if he truly was there for me he wouldn’t have dumped me. But I am grateful for the times when he held me up and enabled me to get through the day. It was after he dumped me that I started to scratch myself. My wrists and my ankles, my wrists because they were accessible, and annoy me anyway because of an old injury to them. My ankles, because I could hide what I was doing. It was my coping mechanism. I was, then, punishing myself for not being good enough to cope without my family, and for not being good enough for the man I loved.

I made the best decision possible, I started counselling, it took me several months after I had been diagnosed and started the meds (because despite the diagnosis, I didn’t want anything to be wrong with me, I really REALLY wanted to be ok). It helped me to see that I had managed to distort the world around me, which getting less than an A was ok, sure the injuries to my wrists suck, but at least I can still use them for every day life! I did cope without my family, and I was strong enough to try and protect them, succeeding for a very long time. And I was good enough for him, but things just didn’t work out.

The next big decision I made was to move back to the country of my heart and live near my family again. That was when my gran told me my voice belonged to me again.

And I’m back with my family, back in the country of my heart. Once I made the decision it took me a month. And the university I transferred to was only too happy to gain me as a student (not that I would blow my own trumpet, but I am a good student). I feel like my life has started again because I’m enjoying it. I have friends who I talk to almost every day when they can stand it, because I often act a little crazy.

Looking back, one thing really stands out, and that is the support I was given by my friends and family once I owned that I had a problem. The way, despite walling myself up, they welcomed me back and looked after me.

This week I had my last check up for a recent episode of anxiety, and I am very glad to say that I’ve been given a clean bill of mental health for the time being (and a flu jab, ouch!). I can see how far I have come, in just 12 months, despite my last little hiccup. I have lost 20 of the 28 kilos I put on due to comfort eating. My cooking skills have also excelled ;).  When I’m very stressed I have to admit that my fingers to immediately go to my hair, but I have some good friends who look out for me and will take me for a cup of tea if they notice I’m not coping too well (like if my experiments are going very pear shaped). I’m a lot happier, and my life sometimes surprising me at how interesting it ends up being. I’ve found gardening and sewing rather relaxing, and found that the small achievements I made in both have helped when I’ve been having a bad day.

Today its 2013 and I am a happy, strong, beautiful young woman. And I am helping someone else, a friend of my brothers, cope with her depression. What others think of me doesn’t matter because I am unique, a little bit mad maybe, but I’ve found people who appreciate and accept me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the support of some lovely friends, most of whom are a long haul flight away, but another who now only lives 20 minutes up the road, between me and university. She means the world to me, and I can never repay the debt I owe. Nor can I repay the debt to my other friends who loved me when I was entirely un-loveable. I’ve also created a strong support network with the new friends I have found.

If you know someone with a mental health problem all I can say is keep loving them. If their hurts were visible, they would probably be swaddled in bandages, they might be in hospital, but they are defying the odds. If you do have a mental health problem, remember what a beautiful person you are (inside as well as out). Tell someone if you are having a bad day, because they care and will want to help. And if you feel like staying in bed all day doing nothing, go ahead and do it! But the next day you need to get yourself up, I know its really hard. Celebrate every little achievement. There was a time when just getting up was an achievement for me. It was an achievement when I first managed to sleep all the way through the night for 8 hours. I spoilt myself with a new hair cut when I realised my hair was growing back out. And every time I find a new dress that fits, I dress myself up and believe the compliments people give me (which are a lot now I listen to them). Don’t forget that there are free call support numbers if you need someone to talk to but feel a friend or family member isn’t the right person. Anything you say is confidential. I know some people who volunteer for these services and I’ve used them. They are some of the most open minded, comforting people to talk to.

Remember: ‘We are all a little broken, and that’s ok’.

Also, did you know, blind people smile, despite never having seen one, it’s a natural human reaction. Its time for me to sign off though, my uni assignments are calling me... Thanks for reading this, I hope it has inspired you that you can get through and to help anyone you think may be struggling, sometimes a smile is all it takes. 

Anonymous

Living with Mental Health | Depression and the Dark Place

I was diagnosed with depression in November 2011, although looking back I think I had it a lot longer than I realised, but undoubtedly over the summer of 2011 my mental health drop significantly.

Prior to suffering with depression I thought self-harm was silly, I couldn’t understand why anyone ever would. But, now I know. When I was in a dark place, I felt consumed with pain I couldn’t express. My body would shake with tears, but they wouldn’t express the sorrow I felt within. But the physical pain, of feeling something, did. And so, I discovered, like so many others, an instant release of the hurt I felt within. Unfortunately, when I come to my sense, I feel ashamed of my weakness, my desire to hurt myself, and the spiral of pain drag me back down to a place where it was acceptable to damage myself.

When I became brave enough to talk about my feelings, and how dark, the dark place truly was, my friends would say that I could always ring them when I felt like that. And whilst I was grateful for their offer, when the dark times return I couldn’t bring myself to get in contact with them. I felt so ashamed, so weak, so unworthy of their love.

Only a few weeks ago I hit a dark place, and first time I called out for help. It was terrifying, and yet as my friend replied to my text, I felt calmer, I felt loved and slowly I felt at peace again. I didn’t self-harm. For me, it was a massive victory, not only had I conquered my fear of rejection that no one would answer my call for help, I’d also had a triumph against self-harm.

For friends of people who suffer from depression, I want this to encourage you. Don’t give up on us. I know what it is like to stand on the sidelines and watch people battle with depression. It sucks, but I also know that we’re incredibly grateful that you are standing there. Because when we feel strong enough to reach out for help, you’re already there offering a hand. To help me with my depression, I’ve taken anti-depressants, I had counselling but the best treatment I’ve had is friendship. With my friends I laugh, I cry, I talk about what hurts, I talk about the lies I believe, and my friends listen, they tell me things I ignore about myself but most importantly they let me be who I am. Together we live a life worth living; together we make memories worth keeping. 

Anonymous

Living with the D word

Depression: it's a social taboo. 

Nobody talks about it, nobody admits to having it.

Why?

Because it's the unknown, people who suffer from it often feel 'adnormal' 'weak' and 'hopeless' and so often wear a mask to hid there true feelings from the world, meaning people don't realise something is wrong. Unlike with a physical illness, where there are physical signs of an illness - mental illnesses have fewer physical signs. And lets be honest, we've all suffered from off days. We've all had days when we have felt 'depressed' but do we really know what depression is?

The 13th-17th May 2013 is Mental Health Awareness Week, whilst the theme of the week is physical health and exercise, I've asked people to write a short piece on there first hand experiences of depression, this maybe through suffering themselves or from supporting a friend. The aim of this blog is to help people understand where friends maybe coming from, to help support people with depression - to help them see they are not alone, other people have been where they've been, because a problem with depression is it makes you feel so isolated. Makes you feel so alone.

Why? Because statistics suggest that depression is a lot more common then you'd think, so the likelihood is you know someone who has depression, and whilst they might tell you, it doesn't mean they aren't suffering.

The blogs you read are all anonymous, stories from people in all areas of my life, I've asked people who I thought were willing to share their story, but if you'd also like share something, it can be any length, feel free to message/email me (jesv@hotmail.co.uk.)

I hope this blog helps you, in various ways

God bless,

Jess

The posts:

• Depression and the Dark Place
• Depression
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Depression and Perfection
• Friends, Family and Depression
• Depression and Friendship
• Depression and Faith

(Image taken from this website: http://www.actionondepression.org/campaigns)