Lessons learnt from my day in a wheelchair

As some  of you will know, I have recently broken my big toe and consequently am struggling to walk. Last Saturday was my little sisters 16th birthday, so I went home to celebrate with her and went to Chester Zoo. I knew that 7 hours of none stop walking would be painful so I swallowed my pride and asked if I could be pushed around in a wheelchair, which my wonderful parents agreed to.

Being in a wheelchair meant that people treated me very differently, children stared trying to work out what was wrong with me. Whilst adults were helpful, allowing me closer to exhibits than they would have done otherwise, due to being in a chair. Which got me thinking, how do I treat people differently due to what they are doing/the clothes they're wearing the first time I meet someone. And, that I need to stop that. Firstly, the situation they are in maybe a one off, but secondly (and more importantly) why should a favour someone over someone else due to the first impression they gave off. I should get to know someone before a make a decision about what I think of them.

The second thing the day taught me is a more personal thing. I didn't want to spend the day in the wheelchair, due to knowing it was putting my parents out, who then had to push me round. I didn't feel I was injured enough to ask this of them. The only reason I made myself ask, was so it wouldn't ruined my sisters day. In the same way, when I was ill with depression I didn't want to depend on others because I wasn't ill enough. And I think this is an issue with a lot of mental illnesses. You perceive yourself unworthy of help, because people are more ill than you, and ignore the fact the people you are asking help off are better than you. Why? For me, it was because I didn't want to be perceived as being needy, I wanted to give across the impression of being better than I was, I didn't want to be judged. When I got out the wheelchair, I had a limp, which I felt justified me to everyone else who wondered why I was in the chair. But with mental illnesses, there are very few physical signs which makes it hard for others to see what is wrong.

So my challenge to you is this, next time see meet someone, don't jump to a conclusion about them. You don't know how life has treated them, and may never know, but that doesn't mean you should treat them any differently. For there is likely to be a reason behind the character trait that annoys you, or their outrageous behaviour, but treat them the same and try and get to know the person. And you'll be likely to find many amazing things that makes you forget those first impressions.

A few weeks ago, I was watching Call the Midwife, and one of the main characters was dealing with grief. Another, minor character gave her this advice:

To just keep living, until one day she felt alive again.

This line really spoke to me. When I was dealing with depression, I never really felt alive, I just existed. I didn't feel anything, other than exhaustion and emptiness, and therefore I often felt like I couldn't cope. I felt that this was my new existence, and I didn't feel that it would get any better, in fact, I thought it would always just stay the same. It was awful, how could I say to someone that  I didn't feel alive? The fact you're talking to them clearly dismisses that fact. But, as I've learnt, living and feeling alive, are two separate things. 

Talking from the other end of the tunnel. It does get better, it's easy for me to say that, and I'll admit not every day is great. But, do keep living, because one day, I don't know when, you'll wake up and realise that the emptiness is fading, and the day doesn't look so bad. And then a while later you'll realise that you are are alive, and able to enjoy living life to the full again.

God bless,

Jess

Standing on the Brink of Adulthood

I wrote this whilst returning to York from the Christmas holidays, by no way is it perfect - not even to me - but I feel it sums up the insecurities that I (and I'm sure others) feel as we reach the end of University.

I'm standing on the brink of adulthood

unsure of where to go next.

The life I had planned before me

is coming to an end.

I dreamed of finishing University

with flying colours to my name,

but there my dreaming finished

left for a rainy day.

I guess the dreams then continued 

along a path that was clear to tread,

but now I stand upon the edge,

I know not where to tread.

I feel the weight of expectation,

a job which will make my family proud

I dream a dream, not of wealth nor power,

for my dream is simple, I just wish I'll be happy.

As I stand upon the brink of adulthood,

I do not know what my future brings,

and as my dreams may turn to dust,

upon my Lord I must trust.

Religion is irrational

This week I went to a debate by York Union debate called "Religion is irrational and today's society would be better off without it." Whilst I am, without a doubt, against this notion, I also feel torn by the argument, because for me, my Christian faith is a bit irrational.

When I say I believe in God, I know I can never design an experiment to prove it (although, I cannot design one to disprove God’s existence), I know that my ‘reasoning’ behind my belief will be perceived as irrational, and that is the beauty of it. I have a faith, I believe in what I cannot prove through science, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Augustine said (according to the internet)

“Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.”

At the end of the day, regardless of whether I can prove to someone that God is real, I know in my heart that it’s true. And it’s the truth, which for me is the most irrational part of all.

God, created this world to have a relationship with us. And yet, we rebelled. We turned away, decided we could live without him, but despite the fact, God never gave up. He sent prophet after prophet, and finally his son, to die, for me and for you, to save us.

For me, that is what is irrational. God, creator of the Universe was willing to die, for you and for me, because he loves us, despite everything we have done, and will do. God loves you and God loves me. And how can we ever deserve that? God’s love for us is completely and utterly irrational. He does not need us, and yet he calls out to us in love and welcomes us into his family.

(This blog was originally posted on www.belfreystudents.org/blog)