A few weeks ago, I was watching Call the Midwife, and one of the main characters was dealing with grief. Another, minor character gave her this advice:

To just keep living, until one day she felt alive again.

This line really spoke to me. When I was dealing with depression, I never really felt alive, I just existed. I didn't feel anything, other than exhaustion and emptiness, and therefore I often felt like I couldn't cope. I felt that this was my new existence, and I didn't feel that it would get any better, in fact, I thought it would always just stay the same. It was awful, how could I say to someone that  I didn't feel alive? The fact you're talking to them clearly dismisses that fact. But, as I've learnt, living and feeling alive, are two separate things. 

Talking from the other end of the tunnel. It does get better, it's easy for me to say that, and I'll admit not every day is great. But, do keep living, because one day, I don't know when, you'll wake up and realise that the emptiness is fading, and the day doesn't look so bad. And then a while later you'll realise that you are are alive, and able to enjoy living life to the full again.

God bless,

Jess

Standing on the Brink of Adulthood

I wrote this whilst returning to York from the Christmas holidays, by no way is it perfect - not even to me - but I feel it sums up the insecurities that I (and I'm sure others) feel as we reach the end of University.

I'm standing on the brink of adulthood

unsure of where to go next.

The life I had planned before me

is coming to an end.

I dreamed of finishing University

with flying colours to my name,

but there my dreaming finished

left for a rainy day.

I guess the dreams then continued 

along a path that was clear to tread,

but now I stand upon the edge,

I know not where to tread.

I feel the weight of expectation,

a job which will make my family proud

I dream a dream, not of wealth nor power,

for my dream is simple, I just wish I'll be happy.

As I stand upon the brink of adulthood,

I do not know what my future brings,

and as my dreams may turn to dust,

upon my Lord I must trust.

Religion is irrational

This week I went to a debate by York Union debate called "Religion is irrational and today's society would be better off without it." Whilst I am, without a doubt, against this notion, I also feel torn by the argument, because for me, my Christian faith is a bit irrational.

When I say I believe in God, I know I can never design an experiment to prove it (although, I cannot design one to disprove God’s existence), I know that my ‘reasoning’ behind my belief will be perceived as irrational, and that is the beauty of it. I have a faith, I believe in what I cannot prove through science, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Augustine said (according to the internet)

“Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.”

At the end of the day, regardless of whether I can prove to someone that God is real, I know in my heart that it’s true. And it’s the truth, which for me is the most irrational part of all.

God, created this world to have a relationship with us. And yet, we rebelled. We turned away, decided we could live without him, but despite the fact, God never gave up. He sent prophet after prophet, and finally his son, to die, for me and for you, to save us.

For me, that is what is irrational. God, creator of the Universe was willing to die, for you and for me, because he loves us, despite everything we have done, and will do. God loves you and God loves me. And how can we ever deserve that? God’s love for us is completely and utterly irrational. He does not need us, and yet he calls out to us in love and welcomes us into his family.

(This blog was originally posted on www.belfreystudents.org/blog)

Final Year Fears

It's coming to the end of my final 'student' summer. Next summer I should be starting (or at least looking) for a job. Gone will by the days of reading papers, and jumping through academic hoops. By this time next year, I'll have graduate, and I'm terrified.

In less than 12 months I'll have ended my journey on the road of education. I've learnt to read and count, I've learnt facts and figures, I've learnt how to revise and pass exams, I've learnt social skills (well....I've tried to!) I've learnt about who I am as a person and what I enjoy to do, I've developed skills and discovered my strengths and weaknesses. But despite all this, I have no idea WHAT I'm going to do next.

So here I am, I've managed to delay the decision making year till now, I've seen my friends decided what they are going to do next, whether they've got jobs or continued in education. And I'm none the wiser.

But despite being terrified, I know God's in control. I know he's got a plan for my life, a plan that is perfect. Because God knows what makes me tick, he knows me better than I even know myself. I know that he will reveal his plan for me, he'll make a path for me to walk along, and while it may not be an easy path, I know it'll be the best one for me. I just need to listen to him and work it out.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding:

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6